everydayjae

In love?

2011-07-01T13:05:00.003-06:00

I have fallen head over in heels in love. And it is the most excruciating experience of my life. The highs are so high. Even when it's a small gesture. And the lows are so low that it feels like I might be suffocating. It's this phrase "in love" that causes me to stop and ponder. I'm not IN love. I am loving. And it's scary. And it hurts. Because I have to open myself up to possibility that that love will not be returned. How do you do that? Purposely put your heart on the line and hope that it turns out for the best. Trusting in God would be the easy answer. Indeed, one that is easier to say than it is to do.

So I thought, hmm...where can I find some answers? Postsecretarchives of course. Where every fear and thought, every worry and wonder has been stated and enunciated before I even realized I was thinking it. Where, even though there are no answers, there is commiseration. (Is that even a word!?) I can click through the pages of archives, and know that in fact, when I feel most alone, like the one person who I WANT to understand me more than anything doesn't, there are thousands who have gone through the exact same thing. They have asked the same questions of themselves, doubted the same doubts, sank to the same depths of emotion and flown high on the same clouds.

A few weeks ago, I had this thought: So this is the view from cloud nine? Pretty nice. Today I realized I fell from that cloud, and that people were not meant to live in clouds, but in community. And that is a lot harder to do when you're in love.

13

2011-02-07T19:26:00.003-07:00

Do you remember that Jennifer Garner movie...13 Going on 30? I do. And unlike the beautiful Jennifer Garner, my age progression does not seem to be going forward.

I was reminded last night, in a frustratingly and beautifully honest voice, that I am still a work in progress. Every time I think I've found solid ground, something shifts, or changes, and I come to realize that no matter how hard I work, or how far I've come, I'm not done growing up.

In some ways, I'm glad for that. I don't want to be static, or stagnant, or stunted before my time. I want to be pushed and challenged, I want to grow and explore. And more often than not, I don't have the time or energy, and more often than I'd like to admit, the courage, to push myself in more than a few ways. I've spent the last few years pushing my body. It's far from perfect. But it is by far better than it has been. The mental challenge that this requires has changed me too. And while I appreciate my new found physical and much quieter emotional strength, there is still work to do.

The person that pointed out this not quite fatal but still detrimental flaw is someone I have not known long. But nonetheless, someone that has become important to me very quickly. I hate the double edge sword that relationships sometimes seem. In order for you to know them and them you, you must open yourself. Unfold the layers of guilt and hurt, of memories and experiences, and try to share them. Not explicitly, by telling story after story of your life up until the point you met, though some of that does inevitably happen. But rather in your actions and person, through who you are and HOW you are. And it's sometimes ugly. Really ugly. How do you know if sharing what you are and how you got that way won't make them turn heel and run? You don't. How do you know you won't peel away the layers, hoping to replace those with fonder memories and lovelier things, and they won't be bandaged but instead scrapped away. We don't. And I guess that's the risk we take when we love. It takes a strong person to love, and a stronger person to let themselves be loved.

Convicted

2010-08-06T14:10:00.002-06:00

This last year has been tough on pretty much every front. So much so that I'm not sure where to start.

I saw two relationships begin and end this year. I moved away, and then moved back home. I got a job, hated it and got a new job. I've run, I've loafed, I've tried and I've given up. I've questioned, and questioned...and questioned.

Two years ago I was so sure that I was doing exactly what God wanted me to do. I was going to school to do thing that I KNEW he wanted me to do: teach. With all of those things happening in between now and then, I'm back in the same place, and nearly equally unsure of whether I'm doing the right thing anymore. Part of that is that I continued to make bad choices in my personal life, specifically in my relationships. The wrong people, the wrong things, forcing things, not hanging on long enough, believing too much in one thing, and losing hope in another.

Recently, I've lost my best friend. Or at least, that's what it feels like. Her words cut me so deep, I think I've cut myself off to everything. I've always been one to trust my gut implicitly. And for some reason, that gut is gone. I remember on the my birthday this year, I called this friend and told her exactly how I feel now: I feel dead inside. I've lost all respect for all the things I love about life, and therefore I feel like I've lost respect for myself. I don't know how to get that back.

I should be excited to start school again this year. And I am, but not in the way I want to be. I'm excited to be working, because I find some of my self-worth in what I do. And I do truly find my work rewarding. Most of the time. But I'm looking to it to bring me out of this hole I'm in, and I know it won't do that. It will drain me, and the kids will kick me, and there will be moments when I will hate it until it's over again in the spring.

Part of this funk is that I've been so stressed out this year. One more year has passed, and I question whether I am where I'm supposed to be, if I'm doing all the things I should be doing. I'm broke. And that really stressed me out. I feel like I can't function at the normal level of me when I feel as though I need to watch every penny, which right now I do. I know that shouldn't decide how I feel, but it does. At least partially.

Also, I haven't been writing, as evidenced by my last post date, and I think that's part of it. All this stress just gets bottled up inside, festering and causing boils on my heart. I can feel the burden of all this uncertainty ever so lightly lifting even as I tap the keys here.

So what prompted all this whiney introspection? In an effort to get excited about the coming year, I rss'ed several new teacher blogs. One written by Jim Burke especially stuck me in the gut. "But education needs courage, it needs wisdom, it needs vision now, for as the Bible says, "in a land without vision, the people perish" (Proverbs 29)."

I have lost that vision. Literally. I can't even picture out to set up my classroom. I can't see my students in their desks. I can't see myself enjoying life anymore. And something needs to change. And I think it needs to start with my relationship with Jesus.

I've felt this way for a long time, and have been trying to shake it off. Telling myself that substitutions and relationships, and even physicality (how cliche, I know) will fill the gap when I know that it will not. It will only dig it deeper. So there's a starting point I guess.

Wow...

2009-12-11T10:10:00.002-07:00

It's been a long time since I last posted! But here's a quick update:

I'm so close to the end of my first semester of teaching that I can literally taste the cocoa and candy canes that will come with Christmas break. I thought I was doing pretty good until about a couple weeks ago. Now, I'm seeing just how scattered and disorganized I really am. I am not anywhere near ready for finals, nor am I ready to start a new semester. I miss my the careful planning time I had while student teaching. I have barely had two days planned before I start them this semester, and that makes me worry. And it makes me feel incompetent.

I broke up with the person I was seeing. It was sad at the time, and I do still miss him. But I do think it has been a huge personal learning process for me, and that is good.

I miss Boise. I want to sit in my favorite coffee shop on Saturday mornings. Watch the people bustle to and fro. Instead, I have a small town cafe to take it's place, and it's no where near as friendly, cozy, interesting or cost effective. I'm managing though, I guess.

I have decided to train for another triathlon. This time, it starts with some plain old weight loss. I have been attending several classes at my gym in addition to a few days worth of my own workouts. Its been nice. I know a few people, and living out here is slightly more bearable now.

I am working to clear my vision of the future. Already, a year into teaching I both want to be better, which takes time, and move on, move up, and do more in the education world. I'm thinking I need to have a better understanding of education legislation, and the goal of compulsory education in our system in order to do that. However, I'm unsure of the first step in that direction.

Anyway...that's about all I got. (my battery is dying now...)

quit yer bitchin'

2009-09-15T23:32:00.003-06:00

You know, I was all ready to sympathize with some of the teacher blogs I was just reading, and then I realized...NO! You have it so much easier than I do! Now wait...I will tell you why.

I am teaching 5 separate classes. One of which was added the week before school started which gave me zero time to prepare. One of which I'm not certified for...yet. Two that have near-or-over capacity numbers. Two students in regular English classes that read no...zero...not a word...of English. And one that is specifically for our state mandated test...can you say pressure?

And I only have one prep period.

Every other day.

Quit yer bitchin' or step on up to the podium in my classroom.

To be fair, I know every teacher works hard. But this is my load as a first year teacher. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I can't sleep. I have no idea what I'm doing in class tomorrow. I'm sick (whether actually sick or just stress related is TBD.) I'm tired. And I really need professional "teacher" clothes. I feel so out of place with my cargo pants and flip flops. I have yet to receive my first paycheck. grrr...maybe I should just go back to school. This teacher thing is hard! :)

A) none of the above

2009-09-09T17:41:00.002-06:00

Ah...I finally feel like I have time to breathe. And think. Here are some thoughts regarding a) a move to a new (smaller) town, b) a new school (and my first real teaching job!) c) sophomores d) a new (good!) relationship. I may or may not address all of the above, and in fact may include others not mentioned.

a) I was super hesitant taking this job simply because it required a move. I don't deal very well with big changes, and this was like two HUGE ones in one fell swoop. It's been a little stressful, and I've had more than one breakdown already. However, I have yet to regret the decision. I'm not as in love with the place as I was hoping to be, but I think it will grow on me, and should I not find a job in my "hometown," I think I can survive a few years here. At least until I decide I can't, and start to actively pursue that PhD I want. ;)

b) The school is...old school. So much could be better. But in fairness, so much could be much worse. I have aides in my classroom, I have sufficient supplies (so far, though I haven't asked for too much yet,) I get a prep period, something I didn't get while student teaching, and the staff is friendly enough. Staff morale is something that could improve...morale isn't quite the right word. But I'm starting to loose the "you're all so awesome, you teachers, you" twinkle in my eye. Instead, I wish the staff room at lunch was a little less gossipy, the halls before and after the bells a little more...lively. And that my questions received answers...the ones about students who I don't know yet, strategies I need help with etc. It's very small, which is good because my classes have stayed fairly small (average about 20, though both English 2's have 30+.)And the kids are well behaved (except the sophomores...) and really sweet. They live a life so foreign to me, traveling for heffer shows and rodeoing on the weekends. It's fun just getting to talk to them about what they do afterschool.

c) Sophomores. I guess I haven't ever really worked with sophomores. If I had, I may have been better prepared for the CONSTANT talking, the inability to listen and use ANY motor skills at the same time, the CONSTANT talking, and the attitude. Oh, the attitude. In all fairness, most of the sophomores have a pitch perfect sense of humor. So much so, that I often find it hard not to laugh at them. Which really does nothing for my sense of authority in the classroom. And did I mention they are CONSTANTLY talking... not that I mind students sharing, thinking, working together etc. But it becomes something different altogether when I explain the task, give them help, suggestions, hold their hand through the first step, and then ask them to keep going...and they immediately turn into the Access Hollywood of XHS. Seriously. Shut up.

d) so far, in all honesty, the only thing keeping me sane is my...boyfriend! So...at the same time I moved and started my new job, I went out on a date with an amazing guy...who is still in town A. I live in town B now. Lots of talking on the phone, and an astronomical phone bill later, I am dedicated to him, and he's taking all my crazy in stride. What a sweet dude. :)

Updates, updates.

2009-08-11T18:26:00.004-06:00

I have about a million things to write about. I will write about a few, in true me-style, most likely in long rambling sentences that touch on numerous topics.

I completed my first triathlon last weekend! It was an amazing experience, and I will definitely do it again. During the run (and walk...) I felt unsure if I COULD finish, my legs were moving so slowly, and I had no energy to make them work harder. I now understand why people collapse at the end of marathons... But I knew I COULD finish, and kept on. I'm so glad I did. I had a goal to finish, preferably under 2 hours, and I met both! Yay! I'm planning on doing at least one sprint next year, and I'll be training for an Oly, though I kind of doubt I will be that in shape by this time next year...we'll see.

I did move. I'm living in podunk. Nice podunk. But still podunk. To me anyways. I think it's nice, for what it is, but it's not Boise. And...after all the hemming and hawing, I really, really, REALLY love Boise. And...there might be someone there to keep me there (or take me back...) Time will tell on that one.

I think I finally had a I-have-no-money-but-still-need-to-decorate-my-classroom breakthrough today! I'm getting really excited for school to start, even though I have thought little about what I'm going to do in the first few days. That's what next week is for...right? I am pondering starting a new blog just for lesson plans and classroom musings. If I do, and you're interested in keeping tabs on that one, let me know!

Until next time!

One more reason I love Idaho...

2009-07-23T15:33:00.000-06:00

Check it out.

I might be more of an English nerd than I thought...

2009-07-21T16:04:00.004-06:00

So I'm sitting in my favorite coffee shop (where the heck else would I be?) trying to figure out how I'm going to teach grammar, without actually having to teach grammar. And I found it!

I've always really liked the idea of using journals in the classroom. But more often than not, these end up being a place for students to copy what the teacher puts up on the board, rather than as a learning tool for the student. But here is the idea I just added to my 1st quarter lesson plans for Junior English:

Grammar Journal- Students will begin a two part Grammar Journal. The first part will contain definitions, exercises, and examples of proper grammar provided in morning mini-lessons. This will serve as a self-created reference for students. The second part is a notebook in which students keep records of sentences they have written that contain grammatical errors. Sentences are obtained from student work submitted to instructors. These errors will be marked in a consistent manner by the teaching when grading. After identifying the errors themselves, students then copy problematic sentences in their journals and rewrite the sentences, making alternative stylistic choices to improve each sentence. To take full advantage of their choices, students can rewrite their improved sentences several different ways. Students who do not have significant grammar problems can use the Grammar Journals to recognize their range of stylistic choices. They can accomplish this by rearranging sentences they have created in various ways to create emphasis or change the feel or mood of a piece they have written.

(part of this was totally bogarted from Developmental Writing.

I'm excited about trying this out. For those that have taught before, you may be laughing at me. But I see this as a two-fold endeavor. The first part is that doing it this way, I avoid the worksheets and memorization I myself have always hated about learning grammar. Instead, I can use mini-lessons to introduce a concept or skill, and then lead students to strengthen their weaknesses by making notes on their writing (my favorite part of English anyway.) The second is the goal that if I allow a little creativity, in the form of owning their journal, personalizing it and such with their own writing (and pictures, and lyrics and etc) then hopefully students will find value in it. It is definitely a more active way for students to learn a skill, having them find out what went wrong rather than me telling them (over and over and over!)

Training

2009-07-12T15:00:00.002-06:00

There is so much I could say about training. I love it so much right now. The days where I am unmotivated and struggle to go are fewer and farther between. I love how strong I feel, and have begun to appreciate how hard my body works for me, and can work for me.

I know I've said it before, but I'm not doing this specifically for weight loss. However, it has been so fun to see how my body is changing. I sleep better (although I'm still almost always tired) I can see muscle and definition where I previously didn't, my clothes are looser. I am so excited to see all of this hard work come together on race day. To know how hard I'm working EVERY DAY now, so that I can succeed on that one day.

I'm so excited!

Seriously...

2009-06-27T14:41:00.000-06:00

Online Dating Helping Pathetic Women Get Their Hopes Crushed More Efficiently

Happiness

2009-06-27T13:22:00.002-06:00

I really appreciated this article. I think it's conclusions are some I've been coming to myself lately.

Enjoy!

You Matter

2009-06-22T13:12:00.002-06:00

I was going to save this post for later, seeing as how I just got back from a work out and need to seriously shower and start the rest of my day. But my boss sent me a link (yes, I checked my work email while I was on vacation...) and I wanted to share it.

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster in so many ways. I have decisions to make that seem more momentous than they might actually be, but will definitely affect the next year of my life. Sometimes in all of that, it's hard to remember that it's not always what but who that matters: you matter. And that makes a difference. It can turn a mediocre, or even horrible, experience into something advantageous and positive. I don't mean this in a "everything is about me way" but rather to remember that it's important to think of the bigger things.

Enjoy! I'll post an update on my 5K and training later.

You Matter

P.S.

2009-06-09T17:12:00.000-06:00

Is it weird that I consider JT study music?

P.P.S. I really want babies.

Tuesdays are great days

2009-06-09T16:27:00.002-06:00

I went to sleep, when I finally went to sleep, with a smile on my face last night. The last few days have been very encouraging, in more than a few ways. Whether anything comes of any of it, I don't know. But I'm happy with it just the same. Vague, I know, but I like at least a little mystery.

I have decided to fully commit to moving to and teaching in Twin Falls. There are still opportunities that, if I wanted to, I could pursue, but I feel like this will be a good experience. It will be the first time I am completely on my own (I know I've said that before, but really, a town where I know no one, hours away from friends and family, that's pretty on your own.) My training is going really well, and honestly, I'm looking forward to longer and better work outs once I have nothing else to do with my time. :)

I still wish I could stay, kind of. But I know I'll be back, and that helps to soften the blow.

feeling good

2009-05-27T13:55:00.002-06:00

I've been feeling really good about life lately. I don't know if there is a particular reason for it. Maybe the increase in free time, the endorphins released this morning after a nearly 10 mile bike ride (it's not really that long...anyone could do it.) or maybe I'm finally finding balance. I think it might be a little of everything. But I love it all.

So much more I feel like I could say, but the sunshine is more appropriate than my words.

100 Things To Do

2009-05-26T20:44:00.003-06:00

I've decided that I should make a list of things I want to do, preferably in Boise, before the end of the summer. Since I'm only working part time, and have a sudden abundance of time on my hands, this should be a fun, and time consuming endeavor. Where to start...

1. Attend Yoga in the park
2. See an Idaho Shakespeare Festival show
3. Visit the zoo
4. Attend the ballet*
5. See an Idaho Dance Theatre show*
6. Bike the whole distance of the greenbelt
7. Spend a whole day in the park reading
8. Complete a triathlon
9. Write a complete semester of lesson plans
10. Eat at Goldy's

These are just a few, and I kind of cheated by inlcuding things I'm already working on. If you have any suggestions, leave a comment!

*seasonal-will have to do later

sight

2009-04-22T23:57:00.003-06:00

I have so much on my heart and mind right now, and no words to express the anxiety, confusion, happiness and gook floating around in here.

I think I'm just starting to realize that how people view me is different than how I view myself. While this might sound obvious, it's only been made crystal clear to me in the last few days. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. I don't want to apologize, or even feel like I should apologize, for who I am. But at the same time, I wonder if I am being fair to myself. Am I limiting my life by allowing others to see what they see, and not what I see?

Gosh. Goodness. And Gracious.

hurts so good

2009-04-13T12:56:00.002-06:00

The seriousness with which I workout has waivered back and forth the last few months. But I seem to be a pretty good kick right now, and it feels so good.

In case you haven't heard (in which case, your ears have been removed because I'm talking about it constantly) I'm training for a triathlon. It's a short event, but it will take the whole summer to get prepared. I have been keeping close tabs on the forums over at beginnertriathlete.com, which is amazing resource. They also have alist of training plans, one of which I officially began today. It was pretty good, and with a few modifications I made it work for me.

I also recently found some awesome workout music that's available through free downloads! How sweet is that!? motiontraxx.com and podrunner.com are two of these. They are based on the idea that if you run to a certain amount of beats per minute (BPM) then you will have a more consistent and rigourous workout. I really like the one I used today from podrunner. I'll let you know how it goes when I get to the one from motiontraxx, but it's a little more advanced than I am at the moment.

Well, for now I'm going to shower and get myself over to the bike shop so I can get my road bike all fixed up. I'm so excited about being able to ride on a real bike, rather than the little fakeys at the gym. Woo Hoo!

2009-03-24T12:19:00.002-06:00

I am in seventh heaven. Or something pretty close to it.

I love the feeling of having completed a goal. Especially one you weren't sure you could really do. I survived teaching and working, and have only a few more hoops to jump through before I receive my MA. MA...the first in my family. Sweet!

And now I can focus more time on my next personal goal-completing a sprint Triathlon. I'm so excited. I've been trying to train regularly, and it's starting to pay off. I can feel myself getting stronger, my body is changing shape (even if the numbers on the scale aren't changing position) and I'm finding a pace of life that I can handle. And like Darius Rucker says...This is my world. And I love it!

spring is in the air

2009-03-22T15:13:00.003-06:00

It's officially over. My last day student teaching was Thursday, and I turned in my final grades Friday. And then I promptly bawled my eyes out for half an hour. It breaks my heart to think I won't see these kids graduate, or even finish the year. Is this how it's going to be every year?

I will be back for a bit, to complete my thesis research, and after I turned down a job offer from them as an aide, I committed to volunteering at least once a week. Now onto the really hard part: finding a job.

However, as much as that is on my mind, I am not really worried about it. I took spring break off from work, and will be moving (a more immediate concern) and just enjoying the time to myself. I'm planning a massage, a mani/pedi, and some spring time bike riding down the greenbelt. I'm so excited!

And every day, I wake up knowing I will find out one other way I'm incredibly blessed. I love this time of year!

sunday brunch

2009-03-08T13:31:00.002-06:00

Coming down from the first work out in several weeks, I feel fabulous. And so, my observations are more rose colored than usual.

I saw the sweetest things I think I've seen in a long time. The coffee shop I visit regularly, yes the same one of all the previous mentions, has been hosting a most unusual couple recently. In this small conservative town, it is generally uncommon to see mixed race couples. This couple is that, and the woman also appears to be older than her husband (they both wear bands, I assume they're married). As I pondered the strangeness of this in this land, I saw yet another miracle: as the woman's husband returned to their table, he laid his hands over hers and bowed his head. This brief interlude reminded me of how precious relationship is, and I need to treasure the ones I have, and nurture the ones that come along.

neighborhood maps

2009-02-07T14:13:00.002-07:00

The sun is shining, the air is sweet with promise, and I'm sipping an iced coffee with soy, quite appropriately I think.

Yesterday, I began a writing activity with my remedial English class. I wasn't sure how they would respond to it, as it was originally designed for younger grades. However, I want them to be thinking, writing, and sharing with each other. We went through the first few steps together, and then I paused, waiting to finish the writing next week. I then shared the results of my own writing following this prompt last spring. Not only was I surprised at how well they participated in the initial steps, but they were respectful, and maybe more importantly, interested in my childhood memories. As I read, I looked to their faces for signs of something. And I was ovejoyed when I saw their eyes soften, their lips part slightly with breath, and their posture straighten.

The year is feeling drunk with hope.

2009-01-27T17:01:00.002-07:00

I wish I had it in me to blog. I have things to say...the kid who won't stop asking about my personal life, the horrible beginning to "The Crucible" unit, a stacks of work I still need to grade, and my own struggles to justify a classroom that I wouldn't facilitate myself outside of this student-teaching experience. The quiz I need to write after I get off work tonight and have ready for first period tomorrow. Teaching stuff I haven't even read yet. I have so much to learn about HS English. I thought this was going to be cake...I forgot I hated HS the first time around. Now I'm stuck there. Or somewhere near there.

AH...we'll see. I'm actually enjoying my time, and finding myself wanting to stay after school to plan, grade, just be in the classroom more. I think this was the right decision, even if I'm fighting with myself about it.

and on the downside...

2009-01-20T17:17:00.002-07:00

I had my first full day of teaching today. My schedule starts with freshman English, then to junior English, and I finish the day with a class with the sole intent to help those assigned to attend to pass the state standardized test. Seriously.

For the first day, I don't think it went too bad. A lot of it was spent making sure kids were in the right class, and trying to ascertain (that was one of the vocabulary words for today) their skill levels. Since they are brand spanking new to me, and I to them, there will be some of this throughout the first two weeks, I'm sure.

My second period is freaking hilarious. I already know that I have lost at least a little authority over them simply because I couldn't keep a straight face today. I really wasn't expecting that problem, but will be more prepared tomorrow. Hopefully. I think having a more structured schedule will help, as I under-planned just a bit. This was for two reasons. a) as I said before, I wasn't sure of their skill level, and how much I could expect them to complete in a period and b) I'm almost entirely making up this curriculum as I go. For a student-teacher to do that, in addition to everything else (life, work, class, and two other periods to plan for) um...well...that's a lot. At least right now when I still don't know what I'm actually doing.

The only downside so far, as I found out this morning around 1030, is the whole waitng-to-go-to-the-bathroom-thing. And having to share a bathroom with students. Let's just say that it's a little awkward when around, lets just say 1030 this morning, you realize you have to take a dump. Bad. And instead of excusing yourself, and quietly visiting the teachers lounge during passing period, you have to hold it. And when you finally get a chance to visit the throne room, (seven hours later) it's full of teenage girls. Doing nothing. Except hanging out in the bathroom. Apparently waiting to see if your shit does stink. I guarantee you ladies...it does.

generation we

2009-01-17T16:22:00.000-07:00

Generation WE: The Movement Begins... from Generation We on Vimeo.

morning thoughts in the sunshine

2009-01-11T14:44:00.004-07:00

It's been a while since I felt whole...inside and out. But this morning I realized I'm becoming someone who I like.

I joined a gym over the Christmas break. I had been trying to train for triathlon, but seeing how I'm pretty much a wimp when presented with a challenge of most sorts, I hadn't been running regularly since the weather turned cold. Since I am pretty set on completing one in 2009, I needed to recommit to training for it. wha-la! Side benefit, it's super easy to go and do their circuit training thing, and the employees are super nice, not to mention a few of them them are also super cute!

Aside from feeling better about myself physically, I'm starting to realize that the mistakes I make aren't the end of myself. I had been so hard on myself for giving in to wants that I knew weren't the healthiest for me mentally (or physically really). I don't have to become someone different because of my choices, but instead they are who I am and who I am becoming. Eventually, they will make a whole person.

I think though, that the group of friends I have been committed to have proved they love me anyways, they have encouraged me weekly for the last few months, and I'm realizing that I'm letting them in. In small ways, but I'm getting there.

I think I'm going to like 2009.

cold and white

2009-01-05T15:21:00.002-07:00

I have recently made some small decisions that are leaving me feeling much more contented. Whether or not those decisions justify the response or not is something I'm ignoring. For the time being.

This past week, I have been reminded that I do have people that love me, that they are there to listen to me bitch and whine, and that I don't have to feel bad for needing them in my life. Being needy (which I often am) is one thing, appreciating the fact that I don't have to do everything by myself, fix myself, or worry about the unfixable, is another.

So as I try to complete a literature review that is way over my head, staring out at the white of today, I feel...good.

The written

2008-12-30T17:17:00.005-07:00

Cognitive Dissonance. While deciding my major in college, I experienced much of this. A few years later, when two of my closest friends began their graduate program in counseling, we had many conversations over my differing beliefs and behaviors.

After graduating with an English Writing degree, I finally realized that, yes I was supposed to teach. Now, in the middle of my Master of Arts in Teaching program, I again find myself questioning the future. However, the one thing I know how to do is write. The one ting I know I want to teach, is writing.

I remembered this again as I perused my neglected journal this afternoon. All my thoughts, dreams, quandaries, laid (lie, layed...still don't know that one) on the page, calling me back to it. Beckoning me to lay my heart on the black-bound white page.

While perhaps not necessarily a memory, part of one.

That's what I'm talkin' 'bout

2008-12-20T15:51:00.001-07:00

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Geoffrey Canada

Colbert at Christmas
Colbert Christmas DVD

Green Screen
Bill O'Reilly Interview

the best resume ever!

2008-12-20T15:44:00.000-07:00

The beginning of the end...

2008-12-10T12:33:00.002-07:00

Today was my last day student teaching. Well, student teaching in this particular placement. And, seeing as how I couldn't wait to be finished, I'm a little uncertain why I feel kind of sad.

The second period class I worked with were...how do you say...brats. Complete and utter horribleness. But, by the end of my six (or seven or eight or nine) weeks, they seemed to genuinely like me, and I them. They were the only class to cry in outrage when my CT reminded them that today would be my last day in class. And they were the only ones who wanted a hug to commemorate the leaving. I got six. Or something like that. Considering that they're 13, too cool (literally) for school and whatnot, I will take it as a good sign.

I have more to say, but my thoughts are jumbling, and I kind of have to pee.

twofaced

2008-12-09T17:56:00.002-07:00

I was reminded again what a odd world we live online.

Be careful what you put in cyberspace seems to a common reminder. I have come across this little bit of advice more since beginning my teacher education program. Just recently, an assignment for pre-service teachers to explore adolescent online neighborhoods sparked debate within my cohort.
"What happens when my boss sees that I went to a teen girl website?"
Well, since your education is currently separate from your work place, nothing, since you shouldn't be doing it on work time.
"So I'm supposed to go into some chat room and start talking to kids, but tell them I'm a teacher? That just sounds stupid."
Yes, be upfront about who you are and what you're doing in such an online environment. This is really only a problem if you intend to solicit something inappropriate, sell something illegal, or otherwise hit on one of the kids you talk to. Are you, pre-service teacher, planning on doing any of these things in the course of completing the assignment? Hopefully not. Probably not.

I was struck with how often this concern came up: that being "seen" online would be worse than being seen in person. If you were having a similar conversation with students in the classroom, at a youth gathering, or for the mall in that matter, the concern wouldn't be the same.

I think more important is the idea that you are somehow different online than you are in "real life." Although I keep this blog semi-anonymous (I do hand out the address to friends, coworkers and others that show interest, and they therefore can connect my identity to the things I catalog here) I am no different. I am emotional, sarcastic, direct, blunt, humorous, scathing at times, and I am just the same in person. I have no problem defending the musing and rambling that takes place here if it were to ever be regarded as in appropriate, whether personally or professionally.

bittersweet and bloodied

2008-12-08T15:46:00.005-07:00

The skin
here, is pebbled, smooth and shiny
with the wax they apply in the factory.
Underneath, sweet flesh is
sectioned, shared by small and sticky fingers
left on craft tables and sidewalks
discarded.
And the pith, holding the pieces
together, bitter and chill,
is tasted
and spit out.

What I want to say, I don't, because I know there is a chance you will read this.

Reminders

2008-12-04T10:39:00.002-07:00

It occurred to me to be thankful for the young, lively, though er...abundant...body that has been bestowed to me when three older women, all thin, well dressed and quite beautiful, sat down at the table next to me this morning.

I overheard the first exclaim as she was sitting: "Girls...this is the first time in.....years....that I have no....Botox in my body!"

Upon a closer look, I noticed the tell-tale lines around the mouth, the eyes, slightly rounder than they should be, that suggests they have been altered in some way. Some cream was applied or injected to neutralize their natural state. The dull, flat color that disguises the gray in their hair, the tight clothes that whisper that they once had a figure to covet.

What happens as we age? Do we become more aware of what we had, or yearn for what never was? Does it happen to all of us, or are some able to skip into that good night, yearning only for what comes next and not giving notice of what has been?

This could sound like petty jealousy, I realize. But I was reminded this morning that life is beyond the picture, surface and two dimensional, that we encounter in each other. Life is what we do, hopefully what we make, rather than what we see.

Family Resemblance

2008-12-01T19:02:00.003-07:00

This is my first go. Hope you enjoy!

My family is big. And bold, and brash and very European. My father's side of the family, that is. They color the sky with their eyes, and it's only my mother who, though carrying the dominant gene, has brown eyes. Thinking about my niece-to-be, I wondered not only who she would resemble, but who I resembled.

My sister is pregnant with her first child. Over the recent holiday, family members sang of the coming event, debating over whether she will be early, on time or late. Whether the kid will look like my sister-- dark hair and blues eyes-- or my brother-in-law-- blonde and bald with eyes I'm not sure the color of. The former is most likely, and the critter will come out at least three days late (I win!)

My sister and I are opposite in appearance: she with long jet hair, cerulean eyes, and a thin lean shape. The fact that she has no hips on which to hang her jeans has long frustrated her. While I, on the other hand, am tall (though not as tall as her) and with curves and hips to share. I reflect only disjointed pieces of my relatives: my paternal grandmother's ass, my mother's long Native nose, and, apparently, my maternal grandfathers penchant for slouching. I wonder if, perhaps, my shaky resemblance has aided in familial alienation. Is it possible to know those foreign, separate, of ourselves?

But what about my mother's mother? Tall, blonde, and striking. She caught and has since lost her Navy boy long ago. Lost first to the sea, and then to us all. Now she has been left to discover her own world, previously lived, and since forgotten. She is my most close mirror.

when I felt loved

2008-11-24T18:56:00.003-07:00

What would it be like to show the ugliest side of yourself to someone else? Or a group of someone elses? What would it be like to show that side of yourself, and rather than be rejected, dismissed, denied, you are accepted. Radical acceptance is love. In love.

I don't want to forget what this is like. To feel so whole and so loved. Not for anything that I've done, but in spite of it. I don't want to forget, because I don't want to ever be anything else to someone else.

utter terror

2008-11-18T17:44:00.001-07:00

I beginning to doubt my ability to teach the English language. The rules I know by heart, and no longer have to think about in order to use in daily writing, reading or speaking, seem foreign to me when I am required to translate them in teen-speak.

I'm scared.

OMG

2008-11-14T14:37:00.002-07:00

I think I might be yelled to death by 8th graders.

I have been observing and 8th grade classroom for the last six weeks or so, and this week it was my turn to teach. Things started well. Lots of curious questions, rapt attention, and for writing too! But today, I almost cried. Not quite, but I could see myself crying in the coming week if my 2nd period keeps it up.

The class has what you might call..."personality." I can't be nice, because then they take advantage of me. I can't yell at them (or can only yell so much) otherwise they yell back. I've never seen a group of kids be more disrespectful. I could understand the grumbling, the chomping at the bit to leave class. But flat out refusing to work, saying every other thing is stupid and not meeting my request to tell me why (so I can fix it.) It seems like there is nothing I can do to make them happy. Which really isn't the goal, but would be a nice way to get there.

UGH!

"Something's Missing"

2008-10-05T14:16:00.004-06:00

It's definitely a John Mayer day. I don't listen to a lot of him, I own one cd, and I'm not sure which. But his voice seems to match the overcast skies, and my downtrodden mood. I think it mostly makes me think of fall, and coffeeshops, and good friends, of to whom I am not such a great friend in return.

Fall makes me mournfully remember the past, and at the same time, urges me to think of the future. It's usually around this time of year that I make grand plans, and reconcile with myself the plans that I did not accomplish in the last year.

I'm also reminded that it's the simple thing in life that are what make it worth living. Leaves turning color, breezes that ruffle your hair, and walks among trees. I don't know why I can't embrace my inner simpleton. I feel like I'm constantly striving for more, rather than being grateful for what is present. I know part of it is purely coveting that which I don't have: the ability to discuss things of larger importance, politics, changes in society. I can't and don't want to talk about those things. Instead, I want to loudly discuss last weeks high school football game, who is getting married and having babies, and the best way to cook the abundance of squash my neighbor cheerfully donated for a church or neighborhood potluck. Those are things that aren't part of my life, that if I could be honest with myself, I want more than anything. I guess, to sum it up, fall makes me honest.

YES!

2008-10-02T15:50:00.003-06:00

I've been sitting in this coffee shop for an hour. "Reading." I have my text, complete with highlighter and notebook open for...well...notetaking. And have yet to read a single word. I glanced through the table of contents to verify that it wouldn't be too painful. Less than 50 pages. I just can't bring myself to do it.

Instead, I decided to search for a new laptop bag online. I have a waterproof North Face bag that I LOVE. I bought it two years ago on a trip back to visit my college town. Nestled behind the DaKine and Trager bags of the little locally owned sporting goods store was this little blue gem of a bag. And it still looks nearly new. It was a pretty penny (at least, that's what I thought at the time) but has totally been worth it. So imagine my glee when I stumbled upon the same bag, only bigger and blacker. No, for reals. It's 18x15, big enough to hold my Goliath laptop (that I love still BTW) and all the crap I carry around with me. And it's black.

What more could a girl ask for...?

The best kept secret ever

2008-10-01T09:11:00.002-06:00

Ok, So maybe it's not a secret. But I just learned something this morning. At approximately 630am, I learned that I love running! Who would have thunk it! Like most mornings, I had to drag myself out of bed, find something suitable to run in, and then actually leave my apartment. Once I did, I couldn't have imagined my morning any different.

Before the sun had come up, with the few street lights still glowing, I toured my little part of downtown. It was magical in some way. I have been running with my Mp3 player glued to my ears. But this week, I left it at home, and listened to my own thoughts, my heart beat, the sounds of a city slowly awakening. It was gorgeous. I can feel myself getting stronger, breathing easier. My knee hurts less, and my muscles work more. I love this piece of life.

Note to self (and just good advice in general): don't put your pants on backward.

Who's that lady?

2008-09-29T20:01:00.004-06:00

So, bear with me as I begin to tell a story:

On Saturday night, I was shopping at Home Depot (I know) with my mom (shut up) looking for a curtain rod (ok, I get that I'm pathetic, stop laughing!) As I was approaching the check out, a woman came up behind me, placed her hands on my shoulders and said to me, "You are classy. I just wanted to tell you, you look really classy." Now, beside the fact that she touched my shoulders (not really a huge deal, since I have few personal space issues) the fact that she would approach a stranger with such a comment that seems more personal than otherwise, kind of weirded me out. I do appreciate the compliment, but immediately I second guessed her motives. Was she making fun of me? I was not wearing anything, or acting in such a way, that seems to warrent such a declaration. Perhaps I simply appeared classy over all? Either way I'll take it.

Also on Saturday, I had one of the best conversations I've had in a while. I think I forgot how much I like listening. The cadence of the voice, the tone and rythm and the way that some people have with words. I have been so inwardly focused lately. What do I want, what is good for me, how can I be successful...Not that in and of itself those musings are bad. But By themselves, or in accordance with one another, they make for a sad and lonely world within oneself. I realized that I had stopped doing everything I love. I'm not volunteering right now, I'm not spending time with and learning about people. I need to do that. Now. It was a nice, subtle reminder that I am here on this earth to be with others. I thought of something I wrote a few years ago, and included (I think) in my Senior Portfolio. I'll find it and post it.

2008-09-29T16:50:00.002-06:00

By Indexed.
I'm not usually much for including politics on this, my, blog. But I couldn't help myself.

ok...

2008-09-24T20:38:00.002-06:00

The moment has passed. Instead, I leave you with this AMAZING song. Pretty appropriate, now that I'm a little more observant, and less whiny.

I don't know that a priest is required...

2008-09-24T19:48:00.003-06:00

I must confess, that as I sit in a coffee shop only a block away from my favorite bar, I wish I was drinking a vodka pineapple rather than my soy vanilla latte. Not that the latte is unsatisfactory. In fact, paired with this crunchy, peanutbuttery, chocolately concoction, it's quite pleasant. However, it's Wednesday night. That means it's ladies night. No cover, cheap drinks, and lots of people you've never met, and probably will never meet again.

I have a streak of rebellion running wide through me. I always have, I think. But until more recently, I have been able (or chosen to I'm not sure which) acted not in accordance to this rebellious urging, but rather, as the goody-goody I was thought to be. Who thought this, I'm not sure of anymore. But nevertheless, I followed the rules, and only toed the line.

Now, today and for many days to come, I want jump across the line with exuberance, and break rules not even thought up yet. This seems to come later in life for me than most. While the majority of people express such urges while in high school or college, I am now twenty four, well on my way to earning a Master's Degree, and wishing I could get sloshed with my girly friends and cause trouble of only the worst kind. But alas, those who I would go out with have passed this phase, or don't have the same urgings I do. What's a girl to do?

For now, I will drink my bland latte, examine the shoes of those who come in only as a quick getsomethinginmebeforeI'mplastered stop, and cause no kind of trouble whatsoever. I suppose I will have to save the rabel rousing for another day. ;)

This is GREAT.

2008-09-23T18:41:00.001-06:00

I wish I had seen it live.

So...is that how the national budget ended up in the shitter?

Pants

2008-09-22T20:04:00.002-06:00

The weather has finally decided to take a turn toward crisp. While it's been below a hundred for the last few weeks, it's still been too warm for any more than a layer or two. I'm excitedly awaiting the day when I wake up because my sheets have that cool spot near my toes, and I have to kick my toes as if I was swimming, just to warm the sheets enough for those toes to settle there.

So, in preparation for cooler weather, I need pants. Not just any pants you see. I need non-denim, professional pants that say both "Obey me," and "I'm cool, I'm approachable." That's a tough feat.

You see, I begin Student Teaching in a few short weeks, and while I feel like I've addressed this previously, the dress code in the school is um...boring. I can't wear jeans, except on Fridays, and because I'm going straight from the school to work, these pants are going to need to work as hard as I do. And still appear feminine. 'Work Pants' has a construction-worker-I'm-going-to-get-dirty connotation to me. Anyway, I kind of forgot where I was going with this. I guess the moral of this story is I need pants.

I want to go to the pumpkin patch.

the learning curve

2008-09-19T19:35:00.004-06:00

The past 48 hours have been an emotional roller coaster (what hour of my life couldn't be described as that...?) Anyway, what came of it is the point.

I have learned a great deal about myself. Mostly, that I think too much of myself. I don't know where this ostentatious pride has come from, but I'm beginning to realize, I don't like it. (As I read that back, I don't like that. That I'm only now, at such an age, realizing this.) I don't know know if I'm the worst person out there, but I have far too long put myself before others. And this from someone who truly wants to serve others, who has spent a great deal of life doing so, and now who seems so unattached to that desire.

I'm starting to think that those graphs showing learning curves, the ones especially related to life lessons, look more like a jagged line, with no curve, no softness, but rather deep impressions in the in between, marking the actual lesson. Deep, because they must impress something upon us, touching somewhere very below the surface, and because at least I find that I am usually distracted by my last revelation on the way to the next.

Story time

2008-09-17T11:06:00.002-06:00

I have recently become fascinated with NPR. I don't know what possessed me to switch it on, one evening while I was working on my now-finished-oddly-colored crochet wrap/sweater thing. Perhaps it was a longing to be only slightly more involved in my world, or more likely, it was a need to have other voices in the same space as mine.

Either way, I have fallen in love, or rather utter fascination, with the programs. I especially love "The Story," a program where normal everyday people tell their interesting stories that have been their life. Some are sad, like the woman from Iraq who is living in Sweden working to reunite with her son. Some infuriate me, like the teacher put on indefinite administrative leave for teaching the book "The Freedom Writers Diary." And some are akin to the stories told in coffeeshops, churches, parks and workplaces across the country.

It makes me think about my own story. Do I have one? If I do, how would I tell it? And would anyone listen?

I call myself a horrible storyteller. My own stories generally have no point but simply to relate a moment in time, or a feeling, neither of which is done justice by my limited proficiency in the language of stories.

This post started out as something entirely different. I had been brainstorming all sorts of things to rant and rave about. However, as I'm sitting in "My" coffee shop, I ran into a little boy no more than three who has come to my Music and Movement (dancing and singing) class at work. His family went to the church I was a part of, and his mother was exceptionally friendly and surprising me, as I left the church on not great terms (at least in my mind) and have seen few people since then. But as this little boy rattled on and on, telling me about his little brother, his elephant boots, and numerous other things, I realized somethings. Sometimes a story, a conversation, doesn't need a point, a goal, an ending. It just needs to be shared. And i realized just how much I love people. I should have no ill-will towards this woman and her family, but I am still wary that they will hurt me. Did they persoanlly hurt me, no. But they are part of the collective body that hurt me, and I have held the grudge for well over a year. And my heart has been battered more by my own actions than any action another has ever taken against me.

This just in...

2008-09-15T11:22:00.004-06:00

Q: How is one supposed to respond when running into the person that one is having an illicit affair with for the first time in public?

A: "How was your weekend?"
"Good. I drank a lot. I was in pretty rare form."

Pretty pathetic, really.

More on this topic later.

tongues

2008-09-12T20:57:00.002-06:00

Spanish is a beautiful language. It becomes even more beautiful when a mother speaks the language to her son, and her son replies in English.

For some reason, witnessing this exchange made me smile and yearn to speak another language, one that could possibly express things that don't exist in my limited tongue.

wishes

2008-09-11T11:41:00.003-06:00

I've been thinking lately how nice it would be to work only part time, or not at all. To wake up, walk through neighborhoods still asleep, eat things you grew yourself, and enjoy the day with no responsibilities. Wouldn't that be paradise?

alive in life

2008-09-06T11:05:00.002-06:00

So, part of my professional responsibilities includes two things I love: working with teens, and volunteering. I had my first "official" Teen Volunteer Orientation this morning, and I LOVED it.

Ten or so volunteers showed up, some of them new, some of them regulars that have been coming in regularly. I had spent quite a bit of time this summer restructuring how TV work with us. And I think it paid off. They all showed up sleepy-eyed at 930 this morning just to hear me tell them how to clean books, keep a time sheet and what not. On a side note, this really was necessary. I spent a year of my life working within a fabulously organized volunteer organization, and there is no telling what you can with volunteers if you keep track of how they work and acknowledge how HARD they work. Especially with teens.

But this was the best part: I loved just talking with them. I am nervous about working with teens this coming year in my Student Teaching assignments, but every time you put me in a group of them, like this morning, I remember why I love it. They are so awesome! It's something unexplainable. It's not the way they talk or act. I just feel alive when I work with kids, especially teens. It's...I'm speechless about it, really.

Again...

2008-09-04T13:36:00.000-06:00

I'm blonde again. Thought I should update the picture. Is it a keeper?

The Sweetest Thing

2008-09-04T12:10:00.002-06:00

Had you been on a particular major road heading south last night at approximately 9:15, you would have seen a girl around my age, about my height and figure, carefully picking her away through a church lawn, the trek sabotaged by sprinklers. I was doing a pretty good job of avoiding their attack until two of them converged to soak me, and my giant red bag of which contained my laptop. This is when I shrieked, cuddling my bag like it was a child and the flying water acid rain. It was a sad day for women's history.

As I have done in the past I intend to keep all you interested readers (the three and a half of you) updated on the goings on of my life. While I was on vacation (the period of time where you had nothing good to read since I was not blogging) I officially began a triathlon training program. Now, I have kept active over the last few years, partaking in my share of hikes and walks and what not. BUT...I am not a runner. Never have been and probably never will be. It's just not fun, whether on a track or trail. I have never found personal fulfillment in running like some do. Not to mention, with all my athletic ability (which is arguable), I still manage to be clumsier then most, and after several knee injuries (I fell on it, several times, usually in public and to my great embarrassment) I have a displace knee cap. Fixable with simple exercises, but can make running kind of...painful. Literally.

However, in order for me to compete in such an athletic event, I must run. Somewhere between 1 and 3.1 miles. (before you ask why the running portion is so short, I am aiming at a Sprint Tri, which is about half the distance of a Standard Tri.) I'm following a meal plan, and keeping track of my training days which are outlined by a suggested program for VERY beginners. And while I'm still working on the mental/motivational side of training, physically it hasn't been too hard. And I'm running, actually running. Short bursts of running, but still. I'm excited about training over the next year. I think it will be good for me both mentally and physically.

While still somewhat on the topic, I have decided to call my preplanned workouts "training," rather than exercise, workouts, etc. Training is synonymous with education, and we all know how us teachers like to get our learn on.

In fact, I'm only half way done with my Masters, and I'm already convinced I'll return to school for my doctorate. It's disgusting, I know. But it would be awesome to be the first one in my family with the degree. And really, I want the opportunity that a higher degree would provide--teaching at the college level and what not.

This morning I bought a road bike to continue training. I'm pretty psyched about it. It's nothing special, but it's mine, and it's more opportunity to continue training.

PS...I really do love Lauryn Hill.

CrackWhat?

2008-09-02T17:47:00.003-06:00

Since I myself am an owner of the newfangled "CrackBerry," and also a willing addict, I thought this was an amazing blog posted over at Powell's. I will share...

Stop Blaming Your CrackBerry
Posted by Vince Poscente, August 27th, 2008 1 Comment Filed under:: Contributors.

We love and hate our addictions at the very same time.We love and hate our addictions at the very same time.

Robert Palmer was addicted to love (Who isn't?). Paris Hilton is addicted to the spotlight. (Ah… the spotlight). There is the faint sound of cha-ching in the halls of tobacco companies every time a teenager lights up a cigarette in the spirit of looking cool.

Owners of PDAs are seemingly obsessed with their handheld devices.

What do we make of this particular kind of addiction?

A year ago, I chatted with Jim Balsillie, co-CEO of Research in Motion, makers of the BlackBerry. I wanted to take the temperature of his reaction to the word "CrackBerry" (since our marketing line for The Age of Speed reads: "Is our 24/7, CrackBerry, more-faster-now world eating us alive or setting us free?").

It helps to know that Balsillie's co-CEO invented the term CrackBerry in a Wall Street report.

Balsillie thought it was derogatory. He said, "Do whatever you have to do." Earlier that day, Balsillie was called out on stage by a panelist at a YPO conference.

"My wife hates you, Jim," said the CEO from Dubai."My wife hates you, Jim," said the CEO from Dubai. "I am addicted to your product. My BlackBerry."

Balsillie was gracious on stage, but it was clear in our conversation that he had a serious issue with people blaming their addictions on his product.

People have the choice whether to use it and when to use it. Why are we blamed for a car accident when someone is doing emails while driving? It's a tool designed to save people time. To speed up the mundane.

In a recent survey, we polled people who owned or had considered owning PDAs like the BlackBerry:

• 29% of people are avoiding the purchase of a PDA, fearing its perceived addictive nature.
• 59% were avoiding a PDA purchase because they didn't want to always be "on call."

These fears are legitimate, because:
• 37% of PDA owners estimated that they check their email several times per hour.37% of PDA owners estimated that they check their email several times per hour.
• 35% of PDA owners confessed to regularly sneaking a peek at their PDA in social situations.

The love-hate relationship we have with our technology is simply not the technology's fault. It all comes down to a choice. Your choice. Stop blaming technology. Be more conscious of how to use speed as an ally, and eliminate the busyness that is eating you alive.

I was seduced by the BlackBerry's convenience. Starting my grad program, I sarcastically mentioned in class that it appeared in order to teach effectively, I would need a BB. Afterall, all my own education professors had one.

Now, it has turned on me. I check my email more than a addict sniffs, and I get frustrated when people don't email me back right away. I can, why can't you! PEON!

Labor Day

2008-09-01T16:52:00.003-06:00

This has pretty much been the best day I've had in a long time.

I woke up this morning (not to my alarm set at six,) but to a call from my old roommate and friend Darcy. She invited me over for breakfast, we ran some errands, and have now made the short jaunt down the hill from her house to the uberhip coffee shop appropriately named Java.

And just now, as I'm sitting next to my friend who is reading, I realize how much I have expected out of a life that isn't necessarily mine to have. It's the simple things, the friends at coffee shops, the walk, and the sunshine that makes a day good, not how much you do, or work or strive. But just in the being. With those that love you even when you admit mistakes and make new ones. I feel renewed and refreshed. And the only thing to worry about is the shadow over me, which seems to be brightening each day.

So, this labor day, it's a good day.

This is some funny shit...

2008-08-31T15:44:00.000-06:00

Note to self

2008-08-29T14:29:00.004-06:00

You cannot rationalize away every mistake you make. Sometimes you can, but mostly you can't. To anyone listening, you will sound like an idiot, lying to yourself, making up fantastical stories of dragons...maybe not dragons...but stories to fill in the blank spaces of your mistake.
If you choose to make the mistake knowingly, you must be prepared for the repercussions: alienation, guilt, loneliness, hours of your life wasted away...
Getting out of the situation sucks. There will be ambiguity, unanswered questions (of yourself and others) and a lot of negative thoughts (about yourself and others.)

Life can suck sometimes. This is when I wish I didn't have any responsibilities, any bills or a job to keep, no expectations to meet. All of that grown up shit. Unfortunately, it's the thought that it's that way of thinking that got me here: rather than take responsibility, meet expectations and act like an a rational person in general.

I don't know. perhaps.

Vacation

2008-08-26T12:34:00.002-06:00

I love vacation. I have slept in (in my own bed, after being in Seattle for a week) the last four days. I woke up not even sure what day it was. That is a great feeling. It's days like these that make me think I could really live out of my car, finding odd jobs only to pay for gas, and a bi-weekly shower in some skanky motel (let's be real, I wouldn't dig the unclean part.)

I woke up, made myself a smoothie,drove to the foothills and took a quick hike. I realized just how out of shape I was when I took the wrong trail, which ended up being much steeper and physically demanding than I was planning on it being. But it was good to feel my legs throb and my lungs expand, looking to fill themselves with the air, dust and shrubbery smells.

Now, I'm back in my usual coffee shop, getting things done and make preparations for life to begin again next week. Emails have begun to trickle in...giving me directions for fingerprints and meetings about student teaching. Class starts soon, and while I'm excited, I'm not sure I'm ready for the whirlwind that I know it will be to begin.

Ah...I will enjoy my time, and the view of some local firefighters sitting next to me, while I can.

What to say...

2008-08-23T18:05:00.002-06:00

I just returned from Seattle, where my pregnant sister is living with her husband. I spent three days painting the tiniest room in their townhouse a lovely "moonshine" yellow, and aside from realizing just how much I like it here, not a whole lot else.

I made pudding this morning. I had a yearning. Unfortunately, I made it with soy milk and it didn't quite congeal like it's supposed to. But after eating a slice of cheesy pizza for lunch, I was reminded of the options before me: dairy=gas, soy=no gas. I'll go with the latter.

growing pains

2008-08-08T14:28:00.005-06:00

When I decided to embrace this ambiguity, I was unprepared for how isolated I would become. I, silly me, expected those around me to be able to see the opportunity for growth, no matter what the growing pains looked like, and accept the choices I make for myself. Apparently, I was wrong.

My closest friend appears to be MIA. And those who I trust and love feel the need to chide me.

Perhaps it's time that these roads diverged. I'm hoping my choices aren't a driving wedge between them though. I admit that it could be, though it seems weird that something so disconnected from them, would affect them in such a way. It makes me feel like I'm being judged. Like these choices aren't good enough, fair enough, and therefore neither am I.

I'm adult. I walked into this eyes wide open, and I understand what and why I'm doing what I'm doing. I wish only that they could too, and love me through it.

dis CONNECTED

2008-08-04T15:40:00.003-06:00

All of this technology is great. So great, that I have no need for people in my life anymore. Apparently.

This isn't a pro/con list (although you know how I love lists!) of how technology affects our lives. There are plenty of those out there, and enough super-smart bloggers with more time and putting in more effort than I to do that here. Instead, A rant.

I've found over the last few months that it bothers me more and more when people tell me they read my blog. Not that I don't want them to, because in fact I have invited several people to read it, given them the address and so on. But the part about it that bothers me is the appearance of intimacy by simply READING about me. Few have offered to go out to coffee, have dinner, a ball game. And the ones that do, I anxiously await comments from, because I know that the conversation will be continued in person. This is another issue: commenting on a blog, or anywhere else on the internet, is not a valid form of friendship. Just as texting is not a conversation, a comment is usually finite. A conversation is fluid, and gives way to more than just words, but to meaning.

I'm struggling with this issue right now in particular because it seems that some of those who I thought were closest to me, have settled into a comfortable and convenient routine. Rather than spend time with me (regularly scheduled, weekly time that has been in place far longer than either of us) they think a text saying something entirely superficial will suffice. As if there is a communication quota, and the more innane words sent via cellular waves, the closer they are to meeting the quota.

I will not settle for meaninglessness. And if that is what my relationships have turned into, whether because of technology or by way of technology, something has to change. I don't know if that's leaving the technology behind, which at this point in our society would be pretty radical. Disconnecting entirely could have the opposite effect I'm longing for, and leave me even more disconnected than I am now. However, a weekly text of comment left on my blog will not suffice.

All of this to say that I want genuine connection. No cheap, digital, replacement.

get listy

2008-07-31T21:43:00.003-06:00

Things I enjoy:

using public restrooms
when soap in said public restroom smells coconut-y
soap
boys that smell like soap
chilly air during summer evenings
being FINISHED (and feeling somewhat accomplished) with my second semester of grad school
pedicures
and...apparently lists themselves, as I seem to make quite a few. I think it's a sign of stress.

no place like home

2008-07-29T21:34:00.002-06:00

Again, in my quest for contentment, I'm assessing whether I want to stay in this town. AHHH! I feel like this is a never ending decision.

Pros: family (also a con)
sunshine through most of the year, including the winter
Friends are nearby
Some pretty sweet coffee shops
Small enough to feel like you know people
Big enough to meet some new ones
(I don't know if I can count this...) I found a really cute apartment downtown, close to said coffeeshops, but far away from family and friends :(

Ok, I think that's it.

Cons: family (too close to feel like I'm a real adult, close enough to keep me grounded)
It doesn't rain NEARLY enough for my taste
Friends (at least a few of them) are leaving ASAP
coffee is everywhere,
Small town atmosphere breeds small-mindedness despite three, THREE universities in the area
No single men, at least ones of a non-Mormon background
All the single men that are of non-Mormon origin spend every waking second in the mountains (if you could call them that)
I'm not interested in the lifestyle activities available, all of which require great amounts of time, money and athletic ability

I just feel disconnected, and connection isn't helping. But I don't know where I would go if I did leave. I don't necessarily want to go to where I started from; I would feel like I was failing in some way, though I know that's not quite right. But after more than two years, I don't like it here anymore, and instead have lost the bright eyed, bushy tailed optimism that has buoyed me thus far.

I was talking about just this thing with a friend yesterday. She was born and raised here, left for college and ended up back after six years away. We have both come to the conclusion that while not a bad place to live, and in fact probably just the kind of city I would want to raise a family, I'm twenty four and single. I don't belong in a community who has no place for me.

2008-07-23T18:42:00.001-06:00

It's funny how sometimes it's the drastic, and unexpected, things in life that cause you to examine yourself. I wish I had taken the time to make this list before some of the mistakes I've made this year, but as I was praying and sending good thought's my friend's way this morning, I decided to make a list:

Things to do ASAP (let's be realistic...before 2009)
Take a writing class or workshop
Explore MFA programs
Send a piece of writing in for publication (there is a word or phrase for this, but I am unfamiliar with it.)
Take a solo vacation to Portland or New York, Mexico or Italy
Pray more
Take back (get back?) a semblance of my spiritual life
Work out more (goal: mini triathlon in 2009)
Stop...keeping the hours I've been keeping
Journal at least weekly
Dye my hair more! (any color is acceptable and permissible, and therefore encouraged)
Find an affordable tanning/yoga package/class
Research alternative transportation (from my house in town A to work in town B)
Be more crafty/creative (it's good for me!)
Buy more (fabulous) shoes
Eat better

Some may not actually happen this year, as beginning in October I start student-teaching while continuing my full-time employment in the evenings. However, I sure will try my best!

In the meantime...here are some luscious sites I've discovered and love. I've spent much too much time perusing them as of late...
Modish
Etsy

"...Because I love you..."

2008-07-23T18:25:00.002-06:00

A friend of mine, who I haven't spoken with in far too long, was in an accident yesterday. He's a teacher and coach, and was driving some of his student-athletes to their annual pre-season retreat. One student died; he's in critical condition.

This man has seriously impacted my life, though I don't know now if I will be able to express how much to him. His eternally positive mindset, his loving discipline, and constancy in all things is more than admirable, it's unfathomable. When I was wavering on whether to teach or not, it was his kind words of encouragement that reminded me that by teaching, I am loving. The unofficial lesson in his classroom: "I love you." If only I could be that kind of teacher someday...

Please pray for healing of this man's life.

weather report

2008-07-21T22:17:00.002-06:00

Today, after a late start to summer this year anyway, it almost felt like fall was coming early. I am super excited already to wear my sweaters, scarfs and layers of abominable things. I hope that it's cold this winter, really cold, the kind of cold that makes your nosehairs freeze, even when they're no boogers on them. That's the best kind.

I'm really looking forward to that.

Glosoli

2008-07-17T16:57:00.001-06:00

I don't know if I've posted this before, but if you haven't already seen this Sigur Ros video, you need to!. Really, it's a must!

becoming me

2008-07-15T21:41:00.004-06:00

I got an email today, from a particular person in my life, and I realized that somewhere between the beginning and the end, I decided to embrace the ambiguity, to live in the in between. And, here's the big part, be ok with it.

I don't really know how healthy this decision will be for me in the long run. I don't know how ok I will be with this decision in a month, a year or even a week, but I think looking at this from a different perspective is helping me justify my choice.

You see, I was raised in a kind of Christian home, the kind where even if you don't DO it, you SAY it. And that never sat well with me. On Sunday, I had a really cathartic conversation with a friend in which I realized that part of struggle in the last few months have been based on this upbringing: I don't live it anymore, but I keep saying it. How is that any healthier? Only this morning, two days after conversing with my friend, and realizing that this disconnect between my faith, my actions and my words exists, do I feel like I can make any progress towards real faith. What do I believe in, except for knowing that which I do not believe? And if I have only ever been told to not believe something, how do i know that it is harmful, unhealthy, discontenting, or empty? I can be told that something is such, but I only ever know if I see it or touch it for myself, only if I live it for myself.

I am so tempted to say that this is a reaction to my obedient youth, a way to find myself before entering the adult world (which is much too quickly approaching) and while these reasons may be true, I think there is a part of me that also wants to live life to the fullest, to be good, bad, to be wise, foolish, to be quiet and loud to be ok with both, whatever they be. I don't know that I need to limit myself by someone else's standards, which is what much of my life has been. I don't want to ONLY be what you think of or perceive me to be. I want to be who I am, who I am and will become.

So far, this process sucks. And now I know why so many who fill in the same little age bubble that I do refer to this as a quarter-life crisis. I'm hoping I can survive.

where should I go?

2008-07-14T15:52:00.001-06:00

I'm thinking about taking a vacation to sort some things out, clear the cob webs and such. Do a little soul searching. Geez...I'm not even twenty five, and it seriously feels like I'm having an identity crisis. Where would you suggest I go?

Leave your suggestions in the comments!

hospitality

2008-07-14T13:47:00.002-06:00

You know you have encountered something great when the presence of something other than yourself begins to take shape in the center.

Here's to something great.

goal setting

2008-07-14T12:08:00.003-06:00

Last year I took up knitting (which I really to get on. All I have to show for that little endeavor is an incredibly long scarf that I haven't been able to wear yet, a few gifts and a basket full or yarn I wish to one day whip up into something glorious.)

I think I would like take on gardening. Aside from all of the hipster-chic, hippie connotations that gardening in the city (of which I do live in, kind of) takes on, it would be a personal challenge to keep something other than myself alive. I was inspired by some of the things I've read and seen over at Homegrown Evolution: Gardening in an Apartment Windowsill, (though I'm not sure I'm ready to take on humanure....) and want to live more sustainablly.

Teaching the Middle

2008-07-12T08:28:00.003-06:00

In our classrooms, we teach the middle class.

One more time...

In our classrooms, we teach the middle class.

Ruby Payne's "A Framework for Understanding Poverty," takes this position, and provides generalizations about the low, middle and wealthy classes. An expert on the issue, Payne provides a brief overview of the mentality of poverty in the classroom, and how educators can approach students in this context.

In our classrooms, we teach the middle class. Because, our teachers ARE middle class. The program I am currently in, is so white, is so middle class, it makes me kind of sick. The basic information about the American social classes contained in this book is shocking to the students I share class with, and was my life growing up.

While reading through the first six short chapters, I recognized myself in not the middle class that I might now reflect, but the low class that I grew up in. Recently, I completed a Personal Self-Study for a class, reviewing my own cultural, including economic, background:

The culture I grew up in, that is the one that surrounded me, was very different from the one I lived in every day. While I could never describe my upbringing as rich by American standards, I was raised in a white, struggling middle class family. I add the “struggling” to describe my parent’s relationship with money as I grew up. While I rarely felt the effects of the struggle, I was always aware of it: my mother worked three jobs for most of my life, to supplement my father’s two incomes, most Christmas’ I was told how much I could ask for—in dollar amounts—and I was one of the few in High School who bought their own car [after crshing the one that was gifted to me]. The kids I had known since kindergarten had big houses, nice cars and new clothes (and not just in September.) When I turned 16, the legal working age in Washington State, I was essentially told that I must pay my way through life, and got a job. I worked for three years at Target where the kids I went to school with shopped or more frequently, worked for “pot money.” I took on my parent’s need for financial security and got a second job when I turned 17, working part-time as a nanny.

It seems unthinkable to me that any adult would be unable to relate to a student that comes from this situation. I felt for most of my childhood, that I was not a child.

How do we, as teachers who will inevitable teach the middle class, relate to those who are not to middle class, and still give them the skills that they need to succeed?

I want a dog SOOO bad!

2008-07-08T16:28:00.002-06:00

I want a dog so bad. The last dog I had, that was my very own, I got as a birthday present when I was fifteen. She was beautiful. A purebred Golden Retriever, Dixie was just the dog I had hoped for when I begged my parents to get me a puppy. A few short years later when I went to college, I didn't know that what would be missing was my time with Dixie.

She died from something unknown, probably cancer, right after I graduated from college and moved back home. She was older, fatter, but still beautiful and happy as ever. When she suddenly got sick, I took her to the vet, and two days later all I had to show for it was the $250 vet bill.

Now I want a puppy again. This time, I don't have to beg my parents. I have to beg my landlord. You see, dogs are not allowed as per the lease. Cats, disgusting, smelly creatures that they are, are allowed. I'm looking for the perfect dog. When I find it, I just might have to move.

Continuing Education Credits

2008-07-07T17:11:00.001-06:00

I've been thinking about getting my MFA in Creative Writing. After I finish my MAT, of course. What do you think?

Comprehension Questions

2008-07-07T16:38:00.003-06:00

In response to:

“Too often our instruction, assessments, and classroom discussions favor the notion that comprehension as a commodity focusing on carrying away or measuring some amount of knowledge or attribute produced from a reading event rather than an active, meaning making process of understanding the world.
So my question to you, friends, is this:
Is this what it really means to be a reader in the 21st Century?”

Read the whole post here.

A little nibbler for you:
From Dictionary.com:

com•pre•hend - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kom-pri-hend] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–verb (used with object)
1. to understand the nature or meaning of; grasp with the mind; perceive: He did not comprehend the significance of the ambassador's remark.
2. to take in or embrace; include; comprise: The course will comprehend all facets of Japanese culture.
________________________________________
[Origin: 1350–1400; ME comprehenden < L comprehendere, equiv. to com- COM- + prehendere to grasp; see PREHENSILE ]

From etymonline.com

comprehend
1340, "to grasp with the mind," from L. comprehendere "to grasp, seize," from com- "completely" + prehendere "to catch hold of, seize" (see prehensile). Comprehensive "containing much" is from 1662.

I can attest to the fact that there is a right answer to any comprehension question. Teachers will try to persuade you, NO! of course there is not a right answer. Comprehension, UNDERSTANDING, is an individual process and every student will process the information differently. But, I argue, how could there not be a right answer? There is, in almost every case, a wrong answer. The one that a student gives, after reading the passage or completing the activity, that the teacher responds to with another question.
“Well, yes, that’s correct…”
If it’s correct, why are you trying to dissuade this student from believing so by asking this next question…
“…but what about xyz?” Often this last part is a “clarifying” question. What exactly is being clarified? The student’s understanding of the text, or your understanding of the student?
Sometimes, a teacher will ask the why. Why do you think that? How do you know this is true? These take comprehension one step further, closer to that process of making meaning than the initial question provokes. The big one, the one that is messy and rarely is asked because it’s messy: How does this apply to you? That’s where meaning is made.
Posed in many ways depending on the grade level, the subject, and the class itself, teachers are rarely looking for the connection between the student and the subject. Enough comprehension, as assessed by correct answers to the curriculum questions, will assure that at least medium-level (at best) thinking is attained. To ensure that students know why this lesson on math, science, bullying, sentence structure, sexual health is important, they have to make it important to themselves. Comprehension strategies, as taught to teachers who use them in class, do little of this.
The original post has a great link to that list of questions that we, and I’ll include myself thus far, are using to assess student comprehension. Are these worthwhile? Are they relevant to today’s student?

A list and a thought

2008-07-03T13:36:00.002-06:00

Things that make me feel like an adult:

1. Wearing matching undies, especially if two days in a row
2. Making a doctors appointment, and not having to call my mom first for a) directions to the doctor's office b) insurance information c) assurance that it's ok to go to the doctor for whatever ails me
3. Having money in my bank account, preferably more than is required to purchase the inexplicably expensive coffee I drink

Two out of three aint bad. However, I am not yet an adult, and lest I turn into one at the stroke of midnight tonight, I plan on leaning on my youth a bit longer. Tonight, as the as of yet most strenuous part of our teaching program comes to a close, we will celebrate with a short discussion of learning, and then a potluck. I, since I am not and adult yet, do not cook for myself on a regular basis, and did buy said coffee today, plan on being nourished my all the motherly types in the program who will no doubt (and hopefully) bring more than enough potato salad, jello salad and pasta salad for everyone.

Why, yes...

2008-07-01T16:52:00.003-06:00

I'm thinking of doing something more official. More regular, if you like. Adding a little fiber to the blog here.

I know I've wavered on whether or not to start a professional blog or not as I'm starting my student teaching in the next few weeks here (is summer's end really that close?) so in the mean time, I've come up with an idea. Posts on Thursdays will be classroom, education and learning related, whether in response to another post, and article or video I come across, or just musings on observations I make on my way to teacherdom. I'm hoping that these will be well thought out, well written, and insightful (BOY, is that a lot to ask for!) posts that I spend some time on. I'm working on one now, or I should say, I'm thinking on one now, and will post it Thursday. Sometime. No deadline. Maybe early Friday. I take late papers.

Along with other things:

I have lots of ideas. Some good, some requiring a lot of follow-through which I never foresee, and some just plain ugly. One of my most recent ideas was to ship in some butterflies, bought off the internet of course, and watch the caterpillars turn into chrysalises, and then finally butterflies. This sounded awesome! Oh the kids would love it! It fits so nicely with our theme! Cheap entertainment! And then...how exactly to you hatch butterflies? Well, by putting them into a million individual cups of course. And then, safety-pinning them *rather the lids they form the chrysalis on) to a Pavillion (read: synthetic net to keep them from flying.) And then, when they do finally start emerging, you must feed them...

This is where the following conversation takes place:

Apparently able-minded Adult: "Oh wow, are those real?"
Me: (No I made them with little motors so they would fly like that, just so you could ask me such a stupid question) "yep!"
Apparently able-minded Adult: "Their so cool! Do you see Johnny!?"
Me: (continue to carefully open the butterfly pavillion so as not to disturb the unhatched critters, and place flower blossoms and small amounts of sugar water in the bottom)
Apparently able-minded Adult: "Do you have books on the Fourth of July? Where would those be?"
Me: (Well, I would love to put the lives of these lovely creatures at risk simply to answer your self-serving, simple minded question, when look! there IS a catalog over there!) "Yes, in the holiday section. I can help you in a minute."

Sometimes I want to say those things out loud. Is that wrong?

2008-06-27T17:03:00.003-06:00

image courtesy of Vitaliy P.
I am one to burn bridges. I walk with matches lit, hoping that there be reason to drop them to the ground where they will destroy any evidence or past peril before the my feminine fingertips are scorched in the least. If every day you pass over any number of bridges, I burn at least half of them within a six month shadow of time.

Here in this town, it is uncommon that you are not part of a church. I used to be part of a church. When I first moved, I looked, found, and settled with the first group of smiling faces that didn't question me, challenge me, or hurt me too much. Isn't that, after all, all you can ask of any group of people who intend to love you? After a year of investing in them, or so I thought, I had been heart broken, trampled, and forgotten by these people. And, now another nine months after finally burning the bridge that kept me near them, I left.

Or so I thought.

It's a small town, this town. And I run into THEM everywhere. Today, and almost every other day I faithfully attend gainful employment, I see someone who is still on the other side of that bridge. Curious eyes and flapping lips question me..."Are you still going?" "No?!" "Where then?" And the stinger today, for some reason it felt like a stinger..."At least you're doing something..." Like with out them, with out faithful journey over the bridge every Sunday I am unsaved, unclean, unholy in some way. Little do they know that those on either side of the bridge are dressed in the same clothes.

But, the conversation with the curious eyes today made me immediately think...did I really burn that bridge? Why do I think so fondly of all the passages over it, if I burned it, and it's gone and no longer available to me? Do I dare tread the earth there?

luck o' the white girl

2008-06-26T10:47:00.003-06:00

But I did today! Tickets to a sweet show to be exact...from the radio. I've never been so excited to be put on hold in my life! I think I should play the luck game a little more often!

Hey, little ant!

2008-06-26T10:36:00.003-06:00

I found this book while scrambling to plan a storytime last week, and have become enamored with the story. Not only is it fun to read, with each page allowing me to alternate between the "big bad kid" voice and the "poor little baby ant" voice, but the kids get really involved in the story. Once they realize that, NO! ants don't like it when you squish them! the beginning seeds of empathy are planted, and sprout. It's a story with a point, but not so overly emphasized that you feel like you're being beat into the ground. I like that. And the kids appreciate it too.

There's an official Hey Little Ant page. Check it out!

priorities

2008-06-24T10:51:00.001-06:00

Check out my wordle here.

I'mma spit da truth...

2008-06-23T22:21:00.000-06:00

"1Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly." James 3:1

This is your life...

2008-06-20T15:37:00.003-06:00

If you are currently a student pursuing a degree, and working full time AND trying to keep some kind of life intact. It has become coffee, coffee coffee and more coffee with the obligatory reading and pastry when necessary.

I'm happy to report that my goal of running a triathlon next year has some momentum...the kind you often associate with large moving object...slow and steady wins the race, right? I've worked out (I can barely call it that, but at this point in my life, where my job requires that I sit for hours endlessly, any kinetic activity is fabulous) three times this week, plan on making tomorrow morning number four, and am looking forward to seeing some results from the effort. Even if it's just finishing the dang race. In addition to my excitement, three or four other people in my program have started thinking and talking about doing one too! How cool is that? Maybe we could just take over a whole race and run together? All the teachers with matching t-shirts come racing across the finish line...wouldn't that be cute?

In other news, I've received a wild number of hits on my blog since it was posted over at our friends This Week in Education. And I've been toying with the idea of a professional blog again. I think I might have to. This one sure is a lot more personal than I thought it was, and to mix this much pleasure with business will inevitably cause problems. Opinions, thoughts?

Thanks for reading, keep it coming!

SSP=shameless self promotion

2008-06-17T17:23:00.002-06:00

In honor of the fabulous opportunity recently presented, I thought I would enter into a short season of shameless self promotion. Here, in really no particular order, are some recent thoughts I've posted on this blog about teaching, learning and education:

why are we teaching it?
Why I want to teach middle school
T-t-teaching
Probation over!
Comfortable

If you'd like to check out more personal blogs, make sure to click on the tags to the right!

fhwghads!

2008-06-17T16:41:00.003-06:00

So I guess it was worth it!

I didn't tell you all (and now there is more of you!) but last week sometime, I "applied" in response to a guest blogger post that I saw on a blog I subscribe to. It's much more professional than mine. But I thought, what the hay, I might as well spend the five minutes and send an email. Who's it gonna hurt, right?

And you'll never believe it...today, my "application" post was linked from said blog! See it? Title: sheep, writer: ME! Yowsahs! Maybe I should go back and watch what I say...

I have always wanted to write professionally. (It is, after all, what I studied and live for.) And this was a fairly no stress way for me to try it out if given the opportunity. Who knows, if this teaching gig doesn't work out, maybe I can fall back on blogging...?

(HILARIOUS SIDE NOTE: I'm working in the teen center right now, and some kid just walked by saying to another teen "...who knows, maybe you can get famous just by blogging..." Is that you God?)

And finally, P.S. I tried to find the Strong Bad cartoon that references the title of this post, but can't. If you do, link it in the comments!

Why I blog...and have no life

2008-06-16T14:03:00.001-06:00

Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time.
Tallulah Bankhead

I will have to remind myself of this the next time I am facing a decision, the kind where you know you are walking into peril, and still you walk into it.

At least I have time to write about it.

it hurts like home

2008-06-15T15:03:00.002-06:00

I was way too productive today.

Besides forgetting my text book, so I can't fulfill the ridiculous and obligatory 'writing to think' activity for the week, I wrote five lesson plans this morning, made my father think I really love him, and helped my mom realize she needs to do something before she falls apart and I really get stuck here. Forever.

You see, if you haven't picked up on, either from previous posts or actual interaction with me, I have a strained relationship with my dad. But, I know he appreciates really odd things. Really girly things. Like cards. With mushy words. SO, it being father's day and all, I got one, that without reading it all the way through, I knew it would make him think good things of me. Which it did. Mission accomplished. And there was no knockdowndragout fight at breakfast either. That was pretty great too.

My mother has MS. And is kind of falling apart. Slowly and painfully. It sucks seeing her struggle like she does. I try to encourage her to do things like yoga or water aerobics, that right now would be way beyond her pain tolerance to do. But the movement of it would help. At least, I have to believe it will help. Otherwise, I have nothing but invalidity to look forward to for her. And I can't do that.

I'm beginning to realize that, while I left home hoping never to return, I can now never go home. I am too old to need my mommy, too stubborn to need my daddy, and even though sometimes I feel like running back to that unfamiliar house and just crying on the floor, something bubbles up from somewhere and pushes me forward. Is it like this for everyone? Will we always feel an empty space where our home was? Where it should maybe still be?

Oh the boys of summer...

2008-06-14T19:44:00.002-06:00

I had so much to get done today.

Instead, I lost myself in a book I bought a few weeks ago, courtesy of the first grade classroom I'd been visiting monthly for story time purposes. I found my morning, noontime, and afternoon devoured as I became a prohibition era débutante, parading and petitioning for the vote, all the while taking liberties with every available (and maybe not so available) man I came across in 1920 Louisiana. I think I was born in the wrong decade. The wrong century, even.

I went to the local rodeo last night with a friend, and her friend. It was the first time I had officially attended a rodeo, and I was ill-prepared for the event. I went straight from work, and so my city-silhouetted jeans and short cropped sweater over a hoodie just screamed "I don't belong here." I kind of wished I had at least worn my dancing pants, the ones that suck everything in in the right places and make it all deadly curvy. By the end of the night, and four PBR's later, I had flirted with too many boys that would still likely my students by the time I'm teaching next year, and needed to badly wash the dirt (and who knows what else) from between my sandaled toes. Before leaving (which was a difficult decision to make. Drunk cowboys can sometimes be a girls best friend, if not at least a good time for little trouble) my friends and I had made a pact to visit all of the local rodeos that will be coming through town this summer. I made a pact to wear different jeans.

I think now to how different, and really, how much the same things are. Belle (my heroine in the book) fought so hard for things that I now take for granted, and now that I have them...sometimes it seems I'm working only to change them back.

why are we teaching it?

2008-06-13T14:49:00.002-06:00

I have seen this in a few different places. And I couldn't take it anymore after reading it here again, so I have to add my few cents, it might be more than two.

Teach42 does a good job of at least looking for other reasons that students might skip class, but I'm not sure I've seen the obvious addressed: school sucks.

Why would any teenager want to be in that seat, unless you're forcing them to be? Are we, as teachers, educators, policy makers, giving teens a reason to come to school? And stay in school?
I must admit that even I throw around the term relevant like it was cheese on a pizza, but what does it mean for a HS kid who would rather spend his (or her) day lounging on someones sofa than in an uncomfortable desk, in an uncomfortable classroom, with awkward teenagers all around you? How do you make THAT situation relevant? Is it?

I say no. Rather, I say NO.

So...how do we fix that? Can we? yes. Yes!

By asking
1) what is it that kids NEED to know
2) what is it that kids WANT to know
3) how do those two things overlap

Teaching Pythagoreans theorem, while maybe nice to know, is NOT NECESSARY. I was never able to figure out how to actually use it, and to this day, have never actually used it. How to dissect pigs hearts may demonstrate important and transferable knowledge about our own health; dissecting sentences does not.

What are you teaching that you dread? What are you teaching that is totally and completely irrelevant? Most likely, if you hate it, so will your students. And once they wise up even just a little, and figure out that they don't HAVE to come to class after the age of 16, or whatever it might be in your state, they won't. Drop out rates--LOOK OUT!

liveitloveit

2008-06-12T14:16:00.003-06:00

Community living opportunity

I had the chance to meet Eliacin last year, a member of the MSA House in Seattle. I went to a conference on Monastic living, and among other things, was impressed with how "doable" living in community with others seemed after meeting some who have and are. Now, after following the MSA-ers for a year and half, my knee-jerk fascination has waned, but the idea and principle has kept a tight hold on my imagination and sensibilities.

I don't have time, nor really the emotional capacity, to flesh out my thoughts on living in community right now. I still have a deep commitment to it in theory as a way to live life with others, experience that life more fully, and love in a humble way, and would like to eventually explore it more fully.

Anyway, check it out! It might be worth more than you thought.

Yikes!

2008-06-12T13:18:00.002-06:00

My anonymity is gone!

I don't know that I actually had any, but what little I did have, may have just been destroyed. Though you probably read this blog because you know me, please don't use my name in replying to comments, either here or in response to something I've written on your blog. I'm not always the happy-sunshine-kids of my small city, and would like to keep it in the family!

Thanks!

RSS info

2008-06-11T17:22:00.001-06:00

Why did I have to read about this on an overseas news feed? And why hasn't this already been sucessful?

I'm thankful I abstained from voting last election year. I will use my vote wisely this year.

Brown pants.

2008-06-11T11:40:00.003-06:00

I really wanted to wear my comfy brown pants today. But I didn't. I wore my less comfy, but still brown, pants instead.

I want a job where I can wear whatever the F I want. Is there one of those out there? Is there really anything stopping me beside some obsolete over-ambitious dress code? Ahh...

I've been thinking lately. Pretty dangerous ideas, actually. I'm working on my MAT. I had actually looked at a MFA program in creative writing, a long distance residency program, before applying for this teaching gig. And I think I should have done that. I'm not writing nearly enough. Not writing good stuff, stuff that is being read and looked at and devoured for the thoughts behind it. I am thankful I've committed to blogging, that at least has kept me from going crazy. But I need to feed my soul too. Write something with soul, flesh, a tongue and taste.

Three little girls just walked by, their inchworm piggy tails sticking straight up from the tops of their heads, blonde at the base and white at the tips. Beautiful eyes, big and wide, still young and full of unquestioning love. I try to emulate those eyes sometimes--staring wide with my mouth open in an almost smile, but it's never as innocent, and never quite as cute. I end up looking like a cupiedoll, (I say that because I've been called that several times recently, though I'm not sure what exactly they are, or their uses) some kind of mismatched face/body/heart of frandkenstein pieces put together for a museum of horrors.

2008-06-10T12:08:00.001-06:00

This struck me as incredibly true to life right now. Found at PostSecret.

Perspective writing

2008-06-07T10:13:00.003-06:00

Today, right now actually, I wrote poem in class. My cohort has seen little of my writing, but when challenged with a writing prompt, I write. I am not put into a box. Aside from DESPISING the writing structure, I came up with something fairly decent. Below is the result:

I couldn’t find my nylons
So I wrapped my legs in brown
Stubble, rough, veined with white streaks
Of dried mud,
Or what I thought to be mud,
I run my rakish fingers through my hair,
Making curls of the Medusa’s mane of green that stands
Nearly as high as my first height.
I never left home, so where did I go last night?

A new kind of obsessed.

2008-06-04T19:57:00.002-06:00

I'm really excited about this. Amazon does Mp3's. How did I never know about this before? It could probably be that my affection for the store was more in thought than out of any actual experience, although I did have that one really good transaction with them my Junior year of college, and find them to be a veritable cup of knowledge on things as varied as blenders to birkenstocks.

I love the internet. No, I love buying stuff from the internet.

I went poopy...YAY!

2008-06-04T11:41:00.002-06:00

This morning, I went to (my newest) regular Wednesday morning coffeeshop downtown. I has big windows along one whole wall, and is bright and cheery and I'm jealous of all the people toing and froing from work in jeans, but it fits the urban hippie vibe.

I was at a big round table, an old farm table whitewashed years ago I'm sure, enjoying my Sunrise Muffin and soy mocha, when two older men (one of whom I ran into in the mens room and who called me the most beautiful man he'd ever seen) joined me on the other side of the table. Soon, a father and his four year old daughter sat down next to me and began practicing letters and numbers on a backdrop of a hand drawn family portrait. The table was fulled up when two more gentlemen joined the remaining seats. I had been pushed all the way into the corner, with all of my books and papers and pens spread acorss the table between our makeshift family. I couldn't help but smile; that's what this town is like. So unknowingly friendsly and invading. It is growing leaps and bounds, and it holds onto it's small town, know everyone feel. It's why I love it. It's why I hate it.

I shortly moved tables, knowing I would need to a) finish my homework b) write about them c) breathe.

But I walked away with a lighter heart. Somehow, God knew I needed even a semblance of human interaction, and he surrounded me with strangers and made sure I still felt loved.

A few weeks ago, I was over a my good friends house, and I laughed for the first time in a long time. I would venture to say, well over a year night a real laugh, the gut busting, face reddening, tear jerking kind of laugh that emanates from your soul and not your lungs, has escaped my lips. It felt so good. Something shook loose--something fell into place. And I feel good.